How Do We Develop Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem?
Self-confidence is an extremely interesting topic to explore because it is not definitively known why some people seem to have innate confidence and spontaneity, while others are shy and reserved from a very early age. Of course, temperament, upbringing, and family environment play a role, but it is not entirely clear how exactly they influence us, nor do they produce the same results in different people. It is also true that people change over time, and if they decide to change their attitudes and behaviors, they usually put in the necessary effort to do so. There are many trainings and therapeutic techniques to overcome shyness and develop spontaneity and expressiveness, for example. There is also social pressure for all of us to be confident, assertive, and pushy. From a young age, we urge our children "not to be shy," which often deepens their shyness instead. From early childhood, we are taught that shyness is a flaw, but it does not always mean low self-esteem or poor self-confidence. Certainly, shyness is a fear of others’ gaze and judgment, a fear of being the center of attention, of being exposed, rejected, or humiliated. However, excessive shyness is an intrusive feeling that "everyone is watching and judging me"—a feeling that can have deeper roots than ordinary bashfulness. You may believe you are an introvert, but in fact, you might suffer from social phobia. Psychotherapeutic consultation could clarify what is really going on.
Shyness, Introversion, Social Phobia
Shyness is not something that must be overcome at all costs; its advantages can also be discovered! The truth is, we are all different and have different ways of coping in groups and society in general. Many shy people survive just as well as everyone else. Yes, their professional activities may not necessarily involve public performances (although some shy people have the ability to transform themselves unrecognizably on stage), but the world needs all kinds of people and professions! Shy people also have advantages that we rarely consider. They radiate modesty and restraint, do not have an intimidating presence, are good listeners, and with these qualities, they can actually attract many friends who would trust them easily. Just as in the animal world, we can observe different survival strategies among people! It is not necessary for all of us to be lions and sharks to have a good life!
Low self-confidence becomes problematic when it turns into social phobia and significantly hinders communication, professional development, and daily life. Extremely low self-esteem, rejection, alienation from oneself, or self-destructive behavior can be serious borderline or depressive conditions that require psychiatric treatment. The same applies to conditions such as megalomania and mythomania — delusional beliefs of grandeur and accepting fantasies as reality! In other cases, psychotherapeutic work involving retrospection of childhood and family context yields very good results.
Is It Easy to Love Ourselves?
“Learning to love ourselves” is a complex, long, and painful process that cannot be achieved simply through mantras, visualizations, or affirmations in front of a mirror. It requires deep psychological work that manages to "peel off the labels" accumulated over the years since childhood, to distinguish "what I was told I am" from "what I really am and want to be." If from an early age I was told I am “small and stupid, withdrawn, quiet, clumsy, awkward, sickly, weak, picky, naive, etc.,” there is a very high chance I will believe it forever. Few people manage not to be crushed by distrust, underestimation, ridicule, sarcasm, harsh treatment, and violence that do not necessarily come from parents or close ones but from the various groups we enter from an early age.
These micro-societies pose a great challenge for every person, as none of us choose, based on sympathy, the people with whom we are grouped — neither in kindergarten nor in school. These are groups of very different people whose paths in reality might never have crossed if they had a choice. These "barracks-type institutions" of randomly chosen people are our first school, where we form our character but also deform it! They do not resemble the types of groups we encounter later in life, such as universities or workplaces.
At first glance, it seems these groups are similar social environments we must get used to early on, but in reality, the groups we join later in university or work are formed in a much more filtered way. There, again, we are in groups united by a significant shared interest — a common specialty and professional field, which represent an essential shared interest! Also, there we meet already formed personalities, who are more capable of adhering to the rules of civilized communication than children, who are still learning this and, moreover, "learn on and at the expense of" their peers! This means that in adulthood, the people we interact with daily share far more similarities with us than those from school years. Furthermore, we are fortunate to meet them as adults—by which time we have already developed our own communication and defense strategies. Children, however, spend most of their childhood in a terrible "jungle" where they try to survive daily. Our daily life may seem much harder and tougher than theirs, but it turns out not to be exactly so. An adult confined for years in a group of people with whom they have nothing in common except age and geographical location would hardly feel very comfortable! It is important to be aware of this when communicating with our children and convincing them that "these are the best years of their life!"
A Spoiled Child Is Not Necessarily a Happy Child!
However, there is another possible source of deep insecurity, which is so-called "spoiling" — when a parent does everything for the child, does not allow them to make efforts, to be disappointed, to endure deprivation/frustration, to fall and get up alone, to try and err, to cope with what their age allows, until they gradually become fully independent. In spoiling, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions," and modern families often have only one child and feel infinitely vulnerable and threatened by the possibility of losing their only heir. However, the high price of this family and ancestral fear is paid by the child itself and does not necessarily contribute to their safer survival! Paradoxically, only children tend to become greater adventurers later in life and are prone to taking big risks!
Of course, some families try to "spoil" all their children if they have more than one, but this is almost impossible because growing up with siblings places children in natural conditions of competition, struggle, rivalry, as well as more frequent experiences of injustice and frustration. None of this means that only children are always spoiled selfish people, as is often assumed. On the contrary, an only child faces the challenge of emancipating themselves and learning to survive by relying solely on themselves without the support of brothers and sisters. When not "spoiled," such a child can be fully confident, independent, brave, and inherently "immune" to negative feelings of loneliness, isolation, lack of company/group activities, or expecting external help and protection.
An overprotective style of upbringing may stem from fears and anxieties that the parent calls "love," but for some parents, the real and often unconscious motives lie in their inability to let their children leave home and take their own path. Moreover, such children are unfairly labeled as "spoiled" in a way that seems to blame them for their condition or treat it as some kind of privilege. Spoiling, however, is not a privilege but rather deprives the child of basic life skills and robs their self-confidence. Paradoxically, the child is expected "not to be ungrateful" for their overly easy life, in which everything was spoon-fed! But really, who would want to eat only pureed food all the time?! Suddenly and to the horror of everyone around them, the "spoiled child" begins to behave terribly, "pull the devil by the tail," and even endanger their life. To parents, this behavior seems like great and unfair ingratitude, but actually, this rebellion and revolution are entirely logical and could be called "the rich kid syndrome."
What Is Our Self-Confidence - Low, High, or Realistic?
In most cases, low self-confidence is a complex combination of many factors, but all these unique life stories gain shape and meaning during an in-depth psychotherapeutic process. There are also many behaviorally oriented and coaching techniques to overcome social phobia, to develop courage, spontaneity, and public speaking skills, as well as practices borrowed from theater applied in group psychotherapy called "psychodrama."
It is hard for a person to determine on their own whether their self-confidence is too low, too high, or adequate to reality. This can be explored in psychotherapy, where the therapist does not take the patient’s self-assessment for granted. It may turn out that there are other blockages and fears not confined to low self-esteem.
For example, some people claim to have very low self-confidence because they imagine they have much less than they deserve but have not attained it due to low self-esteem. In these cases, it might be about unfulfilled goals and ambitions, perfectionism, and comparisons to exceptional individuals and unreachable ideals, heavily underestimating "ordinary life," or lacking the resources, strength, courage, and perseverance to achieve the "exceptional life" they dream of. Such people probably had excessively high expectations placed on them in childhood, or all their achievements were underestimated. It is quite likely such a person carries the parental dissatisfaction with life, their unrealistic or unfulfilled ambitions, and is unconsciously "programmed" to sabotage and fail—like "we are unlucky in the family," "you won’t amount to anything," etc. Paradoxically, their "family loyalty" will not allow them to move to another level or recognize and appreciate their successes unless they start working on these blockages.
In today's world, this ideal of extreme success is strongly reinforced by a widely popular modern myth: that you can achieve anything, as long as you want it badly enough and work tirelessly for it. This belief is a double-edged sword because it places the full responsibility for every failure or setback solely on you, without necessarily taking into account objective reality or external circumstances. According to this logic, if you drown, it must be your fault—even if a school of sharks or a massive tsunami has appeared in the sea! In contrast to this mindset, good self-awareness should help you achieve truly realistic success—if you simply choose to "swim in your own waters" rather than venturing into the open ocean.
Paradoxically, a person who is “constantly dissatisfied,” believing they’re not assertive or confident enough and comparing themselves to “sharks,” may actually have overly high or unrealistic self-esteem. They believe they deserve much more than what they’re getting and lack the ability—or were never taught—to appreciate what they have, to assess their actual abilities realistically, to feel content, and to be grateful. There can be thousands of reasons behind such an attitude—narcissistic tendencies, family dynamics in childhood, or traumatic experiences—many of which can be explored in therapy.
When evaluating their life and achievements, a mentally healthy person should look not only upward but also downward on the "scale of success." As the saying goes: "The only person you should compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday." This means becoming aware of whether you're progressing, stuck in place, or even regressing. Of course, self-assessment is a matter of interpretation, and psychotherapy can offer alternative perspectives—ways of seeing yourself, others, and life in a more constructive light.
Likewise, seemingly high self-esteem in some individuals may actually be a compensatory behavior covering a deeply shaken self-image. There is no objective evidence that people with very high self-esteem are always more socially successful or perform better than others. On the contrary, they may also struggle with communication and relationships, be rejected for their dominant or arrogant behavior, and lack access to genuine, honest connections. Behind exaggerated self-confidence often lies a significant fear of failure, a deep dependence on external approval, unrealistic ambitions, and perfectionism—all of which do not contribute to a good quality of life.
Of course, there are also people with stable and well-grounded self-confidence, who have a solid understanding of their strengths and weaknesses, make appropriate efforts, and achieve remarkable success—these are often the so-called accomplished individuals, talents, or geniuses. They possess excellent self-awareness, along with a unique gift not given to everyone. These people don’t necessarily need psychotherapy—unless they struggle to accept failure, to "lose" when necessary, without being thrown into total crisis. It's also important that their success is driven by their own desires—not just by early-life programming or external expectations. A common example is the “straight-A student syndrome”: someone who achieves top grades in all aspects of life, only to unexpectedly go through a major midlife crisis as a delayed rebellion against external expectations.
Knowing ourselves well actually means sparing ourselves a great deal of suffering.
Only deep, focused therapeutic work can uncover what kind of self-esteem we really have and what the core issues are. We don’t go to therapy to become invincible, flawless, or ultra-successful—but to understand our needs, aspirations, and potential, to identify our strengths and weaknesses, and to mobilize them in our favor for a more fulfilling life. We are only given one chance at such a life, so it's important not to waste it.
Naturally, the healthiest form of self-esteem is realistic self-esteem—this means the ability to respect both our own and others' qualities and achievements. However, achieving a realistic self-image is not easy, especially considering that “reality” is a complex and elusive concept—and nowadays, it’s heavily distorted by the media, social networks, and the “filters” they impose. This is a serious problem that affects a large portion of young people and is turning into an epidemic. Caricature-like manifestations of distorted ideas of beauty and self-worth include excessive plastic surgery or falling into debt to maintain a flashy “high standard” at the cost of years of financial burden.
In its most extreme forms, self-esteem issues can lead to body dysmorphic disorder—an obsessive fear of not looking good enough and fixation on supposed “flaws” of the body—nose, legs, height, and so on. Tragically, some life-threatening forms of this condition include anorexia and bulimia. This problem has existed for centuries, but today it is reaching pandemic proportions among teenagers, due to the virtual reality in which they spend most of their time. Adolescents constantly compare themselves to perfectly edited and filtered images of various celebrities—both well-known and obscure—and lose all sense of what real human bodies actually look like.
Everyone has so-called “complexes,” but if these begin to seriously affect one’s quality of life and relationships, it’s time to take action. It’s often helpful to work with the whole family, to explore relationships, parental expectations, and the parents’ own self-esteem and worldview.
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