The relationships of many couples are clouded by misunderstandings and frequent conflicts that escalate into arguments and even verbal or physical abuse. Genuine communication and the ability to engage in dialogue rather than an argument are difficult to achieve and can only be mastered through deliberate effort and practice. It does not happen automatically, ‘just because we love each other.’ Many couples are surprised why they fight despite loving each other, they feel disappointed by the conflicts and interpret them as a sign of incompatibility and a loss of love. This is one of the hasty conclusions that causes many relationships to break down, even though they could be saved. It is an illusion that lovers do not argue and live on a pink cloud! Because of this idealism, regularly fueled by the Hollywood industry, many people even give up on building future relationships with anyone. ‘Either it will be perfect now and immediately, or it will be nothing!’ And in today’s era of unlimited choices, they grab the remote and switch to the ‘next movie!’ Too often, however, it turns out that it is no different from the previous one!
In family therapy, it is important to dismantle the mechanism of how we talk to each other, how we argue, but also how we reconcile. This way is different in every couple. For some, shouting is unbearable, but for others, silence and distance are unbearable. Some reconcile with hugs and tenderness, others through sex or by ‘sweeping painful issues under the rug,’ but for long-term peace and harmony, words, understanding, and communication are important. Every person needs to be heard in order to be understood, not to be contradicted. Many couples live with the belief that a shared life is built on compromises. However, it is important to determine what the price of those compromises is. If the price is someone’s suffering, one day that personal dissatisfaction will inevitably return like a boomerang to the couple and will destroy the family ‘happiness’ built on a rotten foundation, or the unhappy person in the relationship will simply become ill.
There is, of course, the opposite extreme, where couples live for years in toxic relationships and constant conflict, unable either to reconcile or to separate. Many people from subsequent generations have probably lived in such families and therefore have an intolerance toward this model. It is important, however, to note that their parents did not have the same level of awareness, literature, public discussion of these topics, or access to family therapy, which has only been available relatively recently.
It is rare for a couple to start living in understanding from the very beginning, and it is important to be prepared for this to avoid disappointments and unmet expectations. Sometimes the period needed to adjust the layers of the relationship can last quite a long time, but that does not mean it will not pass. The question remains whether both parties have the strength and willingness to handle this transitional period and whether they are ready for change.
In conflicts, the most common blockages come from inertia and automatic reactions to immediately take a defensive position, deny everything we hear from the other person, and reject criticism—even if it is delivered respectfully. As a result, what we hear often sounds like exaggerated and unfair accusations, blame, and offense, especially if the tone and language were indeed disrespectful. It takes time and specific exercises for both parties to learn to communicate constructively, and they must be prepared to dedicate that time and effort.
Differences in worldview, value systems, habits, and beliefs, as well as the difficulties and traumas experienced by each party in life, are also at the root of family conflicts. Fear of betrayal and hurt, uncertainty about the other’s intentions, our own insecurities or fear of loneliness are also key themes that often remain unspoken and unclear. It takes time to learn to understand, accept, and respect our differences, to appreciate the advantages and not focus solely on the other’s shortcomings. Beautiful relationships are built through efforts, not by constantly searching for our new, perfectly compatible, and ideal partner.
It is extremely important for harmonious relationships to know ourselves well and to be clearly aware of what stage of life we are in, what we need, and whether we are seeking long-term relationships or have other priorities at the moment. However, there are also natural crises that every couple inevitably experiences, which lead to tension and conflicts.
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